For nothing

Life, in my humble opinion, and probably many others, is a series of crises that need to be faced. Sometimes in finding the strength to face them, I mistakenly find myself in the theater of melancholy. I have been to that place before, and I didn't like the show, at all. God, I have really been there, suicide note and all. But that is not what I am journaling about this time.

What seems difficult, tonight, as I sit here, at this keyboard, staring at the monitor is to find value in this....all of it.There is power in irrational thought, as well as rational thought. There is value in just having fun, and there is value in crying your eyes out. I see the importance of passion, enthusiasm, and making mistakes. I must love making mistakes, because I set myself up for failure more times that I care to admit. What happened to the bold person I used to be? Did I leave her behind in that place I visited during my " Great Depression"? Of course I did! Of course I am not the same, ignorant, self confident, passionate person I was. I am just a shadow of her, really. I am accustomed to my darker side, now.

You know, healing is a process, and I am stuck. I am carrying around an emotional burden that is heavy. My Dad is dying, my children are suffering, and I am finding it hard to stay up. I get the beauty of chemical distractions. I get the idea of running away and just forgetting. I do, but it is just not for me. I filled a prescription for sleeping pills the other day. I took them for a couple of days, just so I could get the sleep I needed to function at work. They left me groggy and forgetful. That is not for me. I think the fact that I have no thyroid leaves me unable to take that stuff. Perhaps it amplified my depression.

I would like to imagine myself as someone with dignity. Someone who has the courage to face all the challenges that life throws at me with grace. I would like to think of myself as a person who can find creative solutions to all those pesky troubles. Death, mental illness, addiction, homelessness, poverty, depression, beware! I am going to show up, everyday, and fight for my life. There is no escape! No, I am not homeless, or addicted, but someone I love is. I know I can not solve those problems for them. I know that! But I can step back and be supportive and mature. I can overcome my own shortcomings.

More importantly I spy a spider crawling on my wall and I am going to stop all this blog pity and squish it! Now that is something!

A funny Dad story...salty old man that he is!

So this morning I was feeling down....really sad, and I called my brothers in New Hampshire for the daily update on Dad's progress. Now I know that in times of grief, and despair, humor is a unique item. I remember finding some things funny, when I should be serious. I think that it is natural. But my Dad is one salty, feisty, fellow. He always has been, always will be.

All I can say is that when that show " Shit my Dad says" or something like that came out, I could relate. I have been mortified on many occasions by my Dad's inability to edit in public. Now here is what my Brother related to me this morning. First off let me begin by saying that the hospital where my Dad is admitted, employs my Sister-in-law. She holds a prestigious position at the hospital, and this will haunt her...I can say that!

My Dad has never been known for his patience. I am forever early, due in part to his intolerance of lateness. I remember being left behind, once, because I was using the bathroom and my Dad couldn't wait for me. Anyway, being in pain, and being sick, does not make him any nicer. He is one of those nightmare patients that all nurses and doctors dread. I know that! Anyway, last night a nurse was leaving her shift for the night. A 14 hour shift, mind you, and she went in to say goodnight to my Dad. My Dad replied " I am as happy to see you leave as I was to hear that Osama bin Laden was killed." Or something very close to that.

My Dad, brother Joe, and my Husband, Jerry.

Brother Joe, Uncle John, and My Dad deer hunting last Fall

Brother Andy, and Dad, at the hunting shack

Mom, baby Jane, and Dad

Dad enjoying a cigar after a day's hunting

There went my sad mood, I was in a fit of laughter. He will always be my Dad, always be a little bit off color, and will always find a way to be remembered. My poor Sister-in-law has to share the same last name as this tyrant! It will take a lot to live that comment down. The guy is, and always has been politically incorrect, and I love him!

My Dad, friend to all, Father to none

I am going to write a brief note, here about my Dad. He flew to New Hampshire the other day, sicker than a dog. He insisted on seeing my brother's one last time. It is an annual tradition to go for my Brother, Andy's birthday, May 18th. They have a huge golf tournament and party.

He made it, somehow, to Boston. When he met my Brother's at the airport they were shaken at the sight of him. He has lost so much weight. He is dying. He went to Andy's house, and collapsed. The next morning he insisted on going golfing. My brothers just looked at each other, and decided to go along with the plan, but after 4 holes it was apparent that they would have to stop. They took him to the hospital.

Photo by Scott Tchida of Enger Tower, Duluth, Mn.

It is so far away. I just feel like I should be there, but it is too far to go. We have had conversations amongst ourselves about what to do, if he dies out there. Does he want to be cremated? What are his final wishes. Where should we hold the funeral? One of my brothers remembers a conversation with him. He says that my Dad asked to be cremated and for his ashes to be blown from the top of Enger Tower on to his favorite golf course. It sounds right, it sounds like him.

Pancreatic cancer is no easy death. He is in constant pain. He can not eat, he is miserable. His faith in God has always been strong. He is fighting to stay positive, he is fighting to live. The rest of us are just waiting, knowing that soon we will be orphans.

Bucket List, an inspiration

My bucket list only consists of three things, so I decided to go out into the rain and photograph a beautiful resting place. I have never been to this cemetery before, and I found the iron gates beautiful.

Okay here is my list, humble as it is.
1. Travel to the Greek isles. I have always been fascinated by Greek philosophers and Greek history.
2. Buy some land and plant a garden with lilac trees, rose bushes, and lily's of the valley.
3. See my children safe and happy.

Beaver Dam and other nature...05/11/2011...a good day.

Pond

Canadian Geese

Same geese, I just loved the reflection on the water.

Beaver Dam...old...look at the grass growing all over it. Perhaps eventually I will photograph the residents.

Wordless Wednesday in Wisconsin...

Thoughts

I believe in luck. I have always tried to balance this belief with my belief in my higher power. Someone once told me that to believe in luck is to not have faith in God. How can that be so? I guess luck to me is the work of God. I believe in good luck and bad luck. I believe that in order to stay in the good graces of God you must not invite evil into yourself. So I am still trying to work it all out. I think that in my mind it is all in order, but explaining it, now, I sound a fool.

I am a curious being. I have played at being many things, but play is the key word. I do not take myself too seriously. Some have described me as " too nice". Some say I am flighty. Some say I am rigid, mostly my co-workers. Think of it, rigid, me? Nooooooo!!! Okay I admit to having a fear of tardiness. I am compulsive about time, and make sure I am early. I may be a fear driven person, and that makes me appear rigid, I suspect. But ask me to take a chance, go somewhere I have never been, do something new, and I am always up for it. My fears do not hold me back! They are just there, and I spend days and nights with a racing mind, waiting for something.

 Okay, I will admit, here and now, my greatest fear is losing my children. Now if you have followed this blog for a while you know I have reason to fear. Read my first blog entry, and you will understand, if you don't. So there, like that needed to be put out there, NOT!

So back to the thinking. Love is primal. It can transform anyone. I have been lucky enough to always feel loved. Honestly and completely. I have known loving parents, grandparents, brothers, children, family. I end most conversations with " I love you" because I believe you can not tell someone that enough, if it is true. I also love myself, yup, I do.

Okay, I am also going to put this out there... What if you knew this would be your last sunset? What if the last time you gazed into the eyes of a loved one, it was the last time? You have moments like that, you know. Last moments. Good moments, that you had no idea would be your last. I sometimes forget that things change. I try to appreciate things like they were last moments. That sounds morbid, doesn't it? Well it is true. So I will go on with my days and years, and enjoy in moderation all that I can. Nature, people, work, pleasure, quiet, noise, all of it. I will thank God for everyday he gives me, and I will remain lucky in love.