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Sunday, July 31, 2011

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Moving on

                                         I have spread my dreams under your feet.
                                     Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

                                                             W.B. Yeats

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

There is so much more to me, than this little blog, but it is a start.

I am at a precipice in my working life. It is time to move on, and be more that I have been these last 8 years.I I enjoyed being in the service of others. Being the stable one, the safe one, the teacher, and the student, it was just what I wanted it to be. The helping profession, doing good for mankind.
Working with the severely mentally challenged, and some mental illness thrown in for good measure, you see past the problems, the behaviors, and love the clients. You LOVE them, with your whole heart. Their happiness is your happiness. You are their stability, and it is your duty to have it together, and leave the rest at the door.
My personal life has factions like that as well. Nate, in the group home, only needs to hear pleasant news. There is no need to stress him, further.

I joined my company, eagerly, knowing their reputation for good works. I went about my work confidently, for 8 years, driving 60 miles through the woods, winter and summer. Through dangerous blizzards, weather warnings, tornado sirens, floods, Drunk drivers, broken down cars, flat tires, brake problems, serious anxiety, just to get to where I was needed, and wanted, and appreciated.

The shadow has lifted, now. I see that my work is not valued, like I once thought. I am a pawn in their game.   A facade of a christian name and backers. A company motto to hold all to the standard of Christ's good works.

I am finally clear to see that my hope for an ideal has not been realized. It is time to move on. I will not look back, because I do love those clients I care for daily. Love will be in my life, again. I just hope that those clients are not made aware for their caregivers distress. They have had difficult lives, and just need to be safe.

Safe is an illusion, I know that. Safe is just being your best, doing your best, and living right. I hope...

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Self portrait #2...and Last

This is my last, the thinker...Hahaha...Playing with the webcam is fun, fun, and trouble, too. Have a good weekend, all. It is my wedding anniversary weekend, and I am going to make the most of it...which means dinner out, a movie, and maybe some romance...wink!
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Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Self portrait 07/20/2011

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Decisions, resolve, despair and back again

Zack and Cait people in my life, who I pray for every single day. People I love. 

Baby Zack and baby Nate, my memories of the childhood I gave them, my wishes for their happy life, in their smiles.

Nate with two of his cousins, goofing around at a grad party.
Zack and Cait, more currently, yet still years ago.

Nate and Jerry, goofing around, last month

My son Nate, looking healthy.

A hopeful place, for children. A sad place for me.

The stems are weeping, like I am, in this time of sorrow and confusion.

My Dad's ashes, being released, according to his wishes.

His final request, carried out by those who loved him.

His urn on the course, with a tee.
I am lost, here. I know that grief is natural. I grieve for my Dad, I think, in the normal way. I grieve for my children, harder, longer, stronger. I will never have a normal family, and now I don't even have the energy to pretend that it will all work out.
Saturday is my Wedding anniversary, and I intend to spoil Jerry, who deserves the very best of me, all the time. No sadness is allowed to seep into our day.
Nate has a chance to be safe, and perhaps sometime in the future he will be stable enough to live a productive life. I hope so, I pray for it.
Zack, he is on the streets, he has no hope for a brighter future. He likes his life, this sad life. I am just tired of fighting back fear on his behalf. He lives on the edge, and I have nothing in my reserves to help him get out. Nothing left, no more Scarlett O'hara "tomorrow is another day" moments left in me. I feel hopeless, and sadness, and grief, for the life they were intended for. I failed them, it is my secret shame.
There you have it...I didn't do something right, obviously, even though I did everything I could think of, at the time. I used all my resources, Dr.s Councilors, Treatment centers, rules, rules, rules. I even let go of my marriage for 2 years, trying to make Zack happy. Healthy didn't happen that way. I stepped back, to save myself, and I did, for the most part.
I am sorry for all the ramblings, here. I am truly sorry, but writing makes me feel better. It gives me ideas, sometimes, and dries my tears.
It has been quite the month. It is time to focus on our future, and leave regret in the past, where it belongs.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

2 Faces of Menopause~ Ugly

This is the ugly truth! This is my life! Smile and let it all hang out, it is, what it is!

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Going anywhere, doing anything, being anyone, who knew ?

This morning at the laundromat I saw a sign, posted. You know the kind I mean, with the little tabs with phone numbers fringed on the bottom. Anyway it was a sign asking for carnival workers to work throughout the summer. It gave the dates, and places they would be through September. If I were young, and bold, I might just apply for that summer job.

 I have always wanted to be spontaneous and just up and do something fun. Now that I am old enough, and have lived my life cautiously, I have decided to start just trying to fly by the seat of my pants, sometimes. No plans, just roll with it. No, I am not going to run away and join the circus, or jump out of a plane. Well, maybe I will jump out of a plane, someday. Ride in a hot air balloon, that is a dream of mine. Perhaps, just perhaps.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Expired, if not now, when?

I give myself an estimated 22 more years. I am going to cherish as much of it as I can, I hope. I am going to get more moles removed and biopsied next Monday. I hope they find nothing, but hey I lived the first 40 years on a big beach and eight of my close relatives died of malignant melanoma. What ever. I don't smoke, never did. I don't drink to excess, and I quit tanning a few years ago.

When your parents die, I think it is natural to give yourself an expiration date. I estimate that I am somewhere between my Mom and my Dad. She died of a brain aneurysm at an early age, 64. She smoked like a person who loved smoking. Perhaps 2 packs a day, of nonfiltered Pall Mall's. She ate right, and was a size 2 perhaps. She exercised everyday, and was an inspiration.

 My Dad died of complications of malignant melanoma just last month. He was born in 1934 so he just turned 77, in June. Okay, he didn't take great care of himself. He was a recovering alcoholic, but in his defense he stopped drinking in 1971. He smoked cigars, but only on the golf course. He ate right, he exercised. He was healthy, until he wasn't.

Me, in my defense, I am okay with 22 more years. God, hear me, I could use 22 more years. I am 49 years old. I have survived cancer. I have survived spousal abuse. I am the child of an alcoholic. I am the wife of a recovering alcoholic. I am the Mother of one mentally ill child, and one confused, and probably mentally ill child. All I want is some time to help as much as I can, and maybe a moment to shine. That seems grandiose, perhaps. I want it all the same.

I want to be content, for a while. I want to have just a bit of happiness, and some big laughs. I want to be loved. I want to be loved, I want to be loved. I can not say it enough. I know I am loved, but I don't want it to end, soon.

Yes, I know how pathetic this sounds....No, I am not depressed....honestly. I have examined my feelings, and there is grief, which is normal, and sadness which is to be expected, now. Hey, don't tell me you have never examined this idea, yourself. You have!!!

Monday, after my biopsy, I will find the answers to this question. I know that I will make the best of the next whatever time I have. Be it a year or 40 years. I appreciate life. I love, and I am loved. Eight people in my immediate family died of melanoma. Eight.....I wish I would have understood that earlier. I wish that youth had not clouded my judgement. Youth is optimistic, and that is a fact. Grief is natural, and me jumping to conclusions, natural, too.

I am okay, I will be fine. I am okay, today. Just remember next time you stare into that glorious sun, looking for that healthy glow, that it is deadly, and life giving at the same time. Be aware, you too have an expiration date.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

July 4th

Tonights sunset, waiting for the fireworks to start.

Drive by shooting, not too bad for 55 miles per hour.

Drive by shooting of a barn

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At my Dad's funeral last week, yes an entire month after his death, my Uncle Tom, who directed the service told a story about how people were asking him how he felt, and he kept saying...okay. But later he realized that he was not okay. He had began to eat junk food, stop doing all the things that he enjoyed, and was not himself, during this time of grief. He sparked a fire in me to start taking better care of myself.

No, I am not okay, and that is okay. I know that grief is a difficult path. I have my plate full. I have a mentally ill son who just got out of the hospital on Sunday. I have to show up at my job, and leave my grief at the door. I do all of that, everyday. I look forward to getting back to the things that I enjoy. Following blogs, photography, nature, writing, laughing. It is coming, yes, along with all the other blessings in my life. I am mindful, grateful, and blessed.