Life, in my humble opinion, and probably many others, is a series of crises that need to be faced. Sometimes in finding the strength to face them, I mistakenly find myself in the theater of melancholy. I have been to that place before, and I didn't like the show, at all. God, I have really been there, suicide note and all. But that is not what I am journaling about this time.
What seems difficult, tonight, as I sit here, at this keyboard, staring at the monitor is to find value in this....all of it.There is power in irrational thought, as well as rational thought. There is value in just having fun, and there is value in crying your eyes out. I see the importance of passion, enthusiasm, and making mistakes. I must love making mistakes, because I set myself up for failure more times that I care to admit. What happened to the bold person I used to be? Did I leave her behind in that place I visited during my " Great Depression"? Of course I did! Of course I am not the same, ignorant, self confident, passionate person I was. I am just a shadow of her, really. I am accustomed to my darker side, now.
You know, healing is a process, and I am stuck. I am carrying around an emotional burden that is heavy. My Dad is dying, my children are suffering, and I am finding it hard to stay up. I get the beauty of chemical distractions. I get the idea of running away and just forgetting. I do, but it is just not for me. I filled a prescription for sleeping pills the other day. I took them for a couple of days, just so I could get the sleep I needed to function at work. They left me groggy and forgetful. That is not for me. I think the fact that I have no thyroid leaves me unable to take that stuff. Perhaps it amplified my depression.
I would like to imagine myself as someone with dignity. Someone who has the courage to face all the challenges that life throws at me with grace. I would like to think of myself as a person who can find creative solutions to all those pesky troubles. Death, mental illness, addiction, homelessness, poverty, depression, beware! I am going to show up, everyday, and fight for my life. There is no escape! No, I am not homeless, or addicted, but someone I love is. I know I can not solve those problems for them. I know that! But I can step back and be supportive and mature. I can overcome my own shortcomings.
More importantly I spy a spider crawling on my wall and I am going to stop all this blog pity and squish it! Now that is something!
What seems difficult, tonight, as I sit here, at this keyboard, staring at the monitor is to find value in this....all of it.There is power in irrational thought, as well as rational thought. There is value in just having fun, and there is value in crying your eyes out. I see the importance of passion, enthusiasm, and making mistakes. I must love making mistakes, because I set myself up for failure more times that I care to admit. What happened to the bold person I used to be? Did I leave her behind in that place I visited during my " Great Depression"? Of course I did! Of course I am not the same, ignorant, self confident, passionate person I was. I am just a shadow of her, really. I am accustomed to my darker side, now.
You know, healing is a process, and I am stuck. I am carrying around an emotional burden that is heavy. My Dad is dying, my children are suffering, and I am finding it hard to stay up. I get the beauty of chemical distractions. I get the idea of running away and just forgetting. I do, but it is just not for me. I filled a prescription for sleeping pills the other day. I took them for a couple of days, just so I could get the sleep I needed to function at work. They left me groggy and forgetful. That is not for me. I think the fact that I have no thyroid leaves me unable to take that stuff. Perhaps it amplified my depression.
I would like to imagine myself as someone with dignity. Someone who has the courage to face all the challenges that life throws at me with grace. I would like to think of myself as a person who can find creative solutions to all those pesky troubles. Death, mental illness, addiction, homelessness, poverty, depression, beware! I am going to show up, everyday, and fight for my life. There is no escape! No, I am not homeless, or addicted, but someone I love is. I know I can not solve those problems for them. I know that! But I can step back and be supportive and mature. I can overcome my own shortcomings.
JANE! I'm guessing you just squished more than a spider...maybe a bit of frustration, fear, and any unnecessary stress (we always need a little of stress, to be human!).
ReplyDeleteThis I know: when a Peep lives with, is close to, or loves one who has an addiction--the Peep (you) might benefit from some help also. Just sayin'...
Beautiful photo--I love trees, I see God there also. And your post, so honestly written will touch whoever reads, and may help others, too!
PEACE! Tomorrow some things will be different.
The final line of your post is the most critical - for it is only you that you can control and/or change.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I'm going to endorse what Steve said, but more in your face, and probably not at eloquently as he did
Alanon and/or support groups of persons who someone with a profound mental disorder are REMARKABLY helpful; life-saving, and I assure you life-changing!!!
Janey,,, when you're in the forest, dark as it is, we lose our discerning abilities, moreover, we lose our "umph" to get up and "do something" good for ourselves.
I urge you to find an alanon meeting because the love, compassion, support (all of which you're lacking) are SO THERE!! Sounds like the energy, the joy, your spirit, is being zapped out of you by these two individuals, three, I forgot your daddy..........
You know I care,
~d
one more thing
ReplyDeletecuz I can never shut up
I don't know if he is drinking,,, but here's the deal, if you don't already know - and I'll use myself as an example
I'm a recovering alcoholic, as you know. It has been said, in the rooms of alanon, that a dry drunk is worse to live with than one who is drinking.
In other words, if I were not working my program, I would be a headcase and impossible for my husband to tolerate. But I work diligently. I work hard at my program of recovery and I don't pick up. The two MUST go hand in hand
Added insight
And I apologize if you know all this -
You wrote: "Life.....is a series of crises that need to be faced."
ReplyDeleteJane, I prefer to think that "Life is a series of lessons. Each lesson is multiple choice. Often I make the WRONG choice. However, the wonderful thing about this life is, that I get to do it over again, and change my choice. And if I DO these things, eventually, I will find myself growing spiritually SO S L O W L Y !!!
A speaker at my AA group talked about this tonight, that's why I'm passing it on! OK?
In spirit of sharing some thoughts...
Steve
Dear Jane!
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm far from here, thousands of miles separate us, but my mind is strong and I send you much strength, light, brilliant thoughts and all sorts in the world.
Keep strong, do not give up on yourself!
kisses from Rio