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Friday, December 31, 2010

Have a safe and Happy New Year

This is my cat, Iggy. He was just thrilled to get his picture taken, as you can see.
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Wednesday, December 29, 2010

A comment my Husband made

I was looking at my Blog, and my Husband laughed and said " You are turning into one of those picture blog people."

That gave me pause. I have things to say, and I have sights to see, and I have songs to sing. I do not want to be in a box. I see beauty and want to share it.

Okay, so perhaps I do use my camera more than my fingers to express myself. I hope that there is value in that. My writing skills need honing. I used to be more formal, less flighty in my writing. I read a book called Writing Down The Bones and have taken to being in the moment. I am trying.

Here goes....I drive 30 miles through the forest to get to work each and every day. That is one way. I take my camera, just in case I happen upon something interesting. I usually can not find a place to pull over when I do, and much is missed. Eagles eating deer carcases for one thing. Wild turkeys pecking for food on the side of the road. Wild things, everywhere, are faster than me, pulling over, and taking my camera from it's case, exiting the car, and snapping the beauty I see.

I suppose that I distract myself with these miracles. Life is hard, for everyone. I have it easy compared to most of the world. I know that. I realize that what I have to write about is only microscopic. My life is small. I do what I can, to take it in, and enjoy.

This is not a blog with a purpose, I suppose. It is just my way of reaching out. Forgive me if my journey is in anyway offensive, or boring, or box worthy. In the winter you may just see photographs of snow, and in summer, flowers, nature, water.  I will also turn to the written word. I may trip and fall, but my desire to express myself is stronger than my need to be picture perfect.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

A canoe

I painted this a few years ago. I am not very good, but it is a hobby of mine.
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An Elk, sticking his tongue out.

My Husband and I went to the park today.

This is how we were greeted!!! I loved it!
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Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The cold, just outside my front door.

The sun, reflecting off the ice, was magnificent.

Reality check

I sincerely apologize for my negative attitude about the Christmas holiday. I will try and keep myself in the moment. I discussed my melancholy with my Husband, and he gave me a new perspective. He said that this is not a new situation. I will have to deal with these feelings ,always. This is not going to go away. My children will always be who they are, and my worry is only hurting myself. I knew that! I know that! I am better than that!

I just forgot....and I am sorry.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Madness in my method

It is cold outside. The wind is howling through the windows. I am glad, especially today, that I am not homeless. I think about my son Zack, who is, by choice, homeless. Is he safe today? Is he warm? Has he eaten? Where is he, who is he with? The questions are endless. My worries are everlasting.

It may seem strange, but I distract myself. I have found distractions in writing this blog. I have found solitude in looking at the world from behind the lens of a camera. I have had to keep busy, to keep from going mad.

Christmas plans are being made. I am just a pawn in the Christmas game. I will go with it. I will show up, I will bring a gift, that I chose with care, and I will smile. To those who know me, I will appear festive. I will, however, be vacant. My family is shattered. My children are scattered, and I can not know that they are safe, or more importantly, that they are content.

My life seems less shocking, painful, and lonely, when I share it, it this forum. I compare it to the wind, channeling through the cracks in the window panes. Perhaps I am morose, but it is my truth. There is madness in my method, and a method to my madness. As my Mother used to say.

Beautiful drifts of snow

"Every life has a death, and every light a shadow. Be content to stand in the light, and let the shadow fall where it will" Mary Stewart
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Sunday, December 12, 2010

Seasons in the snow

We enjoyed the first real snowstorm of the season.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

My spiritual path

  I know, from rather extensive reading, that you are supposed to have a goal. I also know, that my goals are less important to me, than experiencing every single moment. I let my heart guide me, and sometimes that leads me away from what others call success.I am rather impulsive, and I would describe myself as a free spirit. I am also racked with anxiety, and others, would describe me as ordered, structured, fearful. Those qualities exist together in this mind, and body.

  The first step in making any dream come true, is to be clear about what it is that you want. We all know that. My difficulty lies in boiling it down to one thing. I know that safety is an illusion. I know that no matter what risks I take, I have to listen to my intuition, and go with it. The anxiety I feel, at the thought of it, throws me into a frenzy. I tremble, my heart races, my mind makes up stories of all of the disasters that will occur. I freeze up, for a few minutes, and then I proceed. I proceed, and that is what is important.

  What if I knew that everything that I did would turn out okay? What if I made every step, the right one? What would I do, if I knew I could not fail? How about you? What would you do?

  I believe that every day that I am alive is a special occasion. I believe that to have goals, for my future, is okay, but that I am happy with who I am today. I love myself, today. That is my spiritual path, and I have been walking it for a while now.