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Thursday, March 11, 2010

Getting to the truth in it.

Recently, I have been lucky enough to have come across books that have lead me to self fulfillment. They ask for truth, honesty, and in return I will have a more fulfilling life. They state that to find stillness and peace is essential to improving ones outlook. 
I am trying to soak it all up, practice stillness, be aware of the moment, and not jump ahead. I am finding this very difficult. I am not by my nature a still person. I am afraid of what stillness will drum up in my brain. I am afraid to really express my emotions. I feel like an atom bomb, whose stability is in question. I may just shatter, break down and take the whole of society with me in the process. Somehow I feel these things, and I know that there is truth in that. There is also fear in that, and a skewed sense of self worth.

Jackpot! I have been terrified to be myself. I am afraid to offend people with my bad behavior, my desire to misbehave. I hide behind the facade of a good solid person, but I have a truth in me that is shameful.. And I am not just talking about my overwhelming desire to eat chocolate covered strawberries. I am talking about ending bad relationships, saying no more excuses. No more abuse. I am talking about asking for what I want, and expecting it. No more putting my desires last. No more silence when someone puts my lifestyle down. I Will Defend my life choices, or if I decide  they need to be revised , I will be brave enough to do that too. The truth will set me free..........the truth will set me on a truth will be my priority.