Saturday, April 30, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
A little bit of sunshine peeking through the fog
First though I better explain the second photo...Father Woody left the parish. He left his beautiful garden, and some random priest took his place. He is no gardener, I can tell you that! I have never set foot in the Catholic church here in my town. When I first moved here, I felt unwelcome. There is no other way to describe it. So I have spent the last seven years worshiping God in a solitary fashion.
Father Woody was not the one to leave me feeling unwelcome. He was an outsider, too, I expect. You just know. I just knew, and I still know, I am an outsider, here. Not all small towns are hospitable.
Okay here goes!
A age-49
B birthdate- 12-19-1961
C children-2 Zack and Nate
D divorces, 1, marriages, 2 so I have a 50% success rate! Good enough, I think!
E eager, yes I would say I am an eager, anxious, earnest person.
F Family, I come from a large, loving family. I have brothers who have, on more than one occasion tried to rescue me from whatever....That is the thing about large families, they are always in your business!
G ghosts...Yup, I believe in them. Holy and otherwise, they exist!
H habits, Bad ones...a lot of them, like chocolate, procrastination, having everything my way! I am working on them, though, I really am!
I ideology- I live by the Golden Rule, or at least I think I do. I try to always be kind, to give back, to do my best.
J of course my name, Jane! My husband, Jerry, actually Jerome, but no one calls him that! J will follow me to my grave.
K knowledge, I love learning, knowing, discovering.
L lilacs and lily's of the valley, my two favorite flowers.
M meditate, I would love to learn to meditate. I have tried, numerous times, but no luck, yet!
O outdoors. I am an outdoorsy girl. I love to camp, in a tent. I love to canoe, and sit by the fire. I love to garden, and I am happiest outside!
P profession, Hey I quit my job a couple of weeks ago, although they didn't replace me, so I continue to work there, I am between professions. Fun and exciting, and scary. Why did I do that?
Q quest- what made me start this journey? Am I learning anything about myself like this? Is this just another waste of my time?
R refugee of grief. I have been hiding out here in this little town for 7 years. It is time to emerge and be me again.
S solo- I am not good, alone. I broke into a thousand pieces last time I felt alone, and I fear that I would again. I am going to work on that! Hey, I learned something, new, about myself, just now!
T talisman, Katie's middle name. She is my talisman, in a way, that little chihuahua dog.
U universe, I am part of something bigger, always will be, always have been. When I am gone, I will still be a part of it. I like that!
V vessel, a container, holding something important, that is ME!
W , too many to choose from, wild, wind, whole, woman. I choose all of them.
X an unknown quantity as in algebra.
Y Yes, that is my word...just say yes! There is always room for something new, something different in my life, and to close myself off from new things would be wrong. Yes, yes, yes!!!
Z zenith, the point in the heavens, directly overhead. Beyond what is, into what will be.
Friday, April 22, 2011
A day of reflection
What is normal, anyway? Is that something I would even want, normal? Probably not! I love so many parts of my life that to remove any part, even the bad stuff would make me a different person.
I got a phone call from my son, Zack, today. He was somewhere in an abandoned garage staying out of the rain. He was smoking pot, and drying off. He had just gotten off a train and was getting his bearings. I was glad to hear from him. I was glad that he was alive, and safe, for now. How can I, as his mother, find comfort in these things? I just have no other choice. I choose to find something good in it, because to choose otherwise would be unhealthy for me.
I am not the picture of health, mental or otherwise, exactly. I am sad, most of the time, but I hide it well , it think. I hide it with a smile, and humor. Like most people with denial I think I am hiding my problems, well. I am mostly hiding them from myself. I know that.
When the end is in sight, the choices we make, about who we are, become clearer. I decided to find solace in the warmth of motherhood. I am Zack's mother, for better, for worse. I love him, and whether he is destitute or prosperous he is my son, and I am his family.
When I drive past a person holding up a homemade cardboard sign that says something like "will work for food" I think of my son, Zack, and his lifestyle. He has a home, he always has. He grew up in a family who loved him, and respected him. He was given an opportunity for recovery, many opportunities actually. Hazelden, St. Cloud Children's Home, Omegon, to name a few. I know it is up to him, but that does not diminish the pain.
Nate, my youngest, and only other child, called a couple of days ago in a psychotic haze. He was describing the demons and angels that interfere in his life daily. He accused me of not believing him. I did, but I admit that I do not understand it. His highs are my highs, his lows are mine as well. I feel guilty having a good day, knowing that he is suffering. His recovery is iffy at best. He will be mentally ill for life, and I will be sad everyday, because of it.
This is my legacy. This is my reflection.
I got a phone call from my son, Zack, today. He was somewhere in an abandoned garage staying out of the rain. He was smoking pot, and drying off. He had just gotten off a train and was getting his bearings. I was glad to hear from him. I was glad that he was alive, and safe, for now. How can I, as his mother, find comfort in these things? I just have no other choice. I choose to find something good in it, because to choose otherwise would be unhealthy for me.
I am not the picture of health, mental or otherwise, exactly. I am sad, most of the time, but I hide it well , it think. I hide it with a smile, and humor. Like most people with denial I think I am hiding my problems, well. I am mostly hiding them from myself. I know that.
When the end is in sight, the choices we make, about who we are, become clearer. I decided to find solace in the warmth of motherhood. I am Zack's mother, for better, for worse. I love him, and whether he is destitute or prosperous he is my son, and I am his family.
When I drive past a person holding up a homemade cardboard sign that says something like "will work for food" I think of my son, Zack, and his lifestyle. He has a home, he always has. He grew up in a family who loved him, and respected him. He was given an opportunity for recovery, many opportunities actually. Hazelden, St. Cloud Children's Home, Omegon, to name a few. I know it is up to him, but that does not diminish the pain.
Nate, my youngest, and only other child, called a couple of days ago in a psychotic haze. He was describing the demons and angels that interfere in his life daily. He accused me of not believing him. I did, but I admit that I do not understand it. His highs are my highs, his lows are mine as well. I feel guilty having a good day, knowing that he is suffering. His recovery is iffy at best. He will be mentally ill for life, and I will be sad everyday, because of it.
This is my legacy. This is my reflection.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
The people downstairs
Why are you so miserable?
What makes two people who appear to hate each other
stay together?
You fight both morning and night.
You yell and wake me from a sound sleep
For seven years I have listened to this, and wondered why.
You must get pleasure from it.
Where are your smiles?
Where is your laughter?
Was it shattered in a door slam?
Were you ever happy together?
Is there passion hidden in that misery?
I am tired
You woke me up
Again
Be still and know peace
My neighbors
What makes two people who appear to hate each other
stay together?
You fight both morning and night.
You yell and wake me from a sound sleep
For seven years I have listened to this, and wondered why.
You must get pleasure from it.
Where are your smiles?
Where is your laughter?
Was it shattered in a door slam?
Were you ever happy together?
Is there passion hidden in that misery?
I am tired
You woke me up
Again
Be still and know peace
My neighbors
Monday, April 18, 2011
Turning
What if this is an alternate universe and I am unborn?
What if this is a flashback and I am old and lying on my death bed?
What if my children were happy?
What if I wasn't really sorry?
What if all good things didn't have to come to an end?
If I could turn back time, I would. If I could make you happy I would.
If I could die for you and change it, saving you, like Christ did, I would.
No doubt!
But I can not.
I can not feel your pain for you, though I would, if I were able.
I can not, and perhaps that is for the best.
My soul is full of its own regret
And beauty
And love
What if I were strong enough in all the broken places?
What if, just what if?
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Saturday, April 16, 2011
A cold Saturday in April
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| Daffodil buds in the snow waiting patiently to trumpet their beauty |
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| Pussy willows |
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| A Robin waiting out the snowstorm |
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| Yellow finches eating their fill |
Thursday, April 14, 2011
My camera, a true story
I am no photographer. I bought a camera at a garage sale last spring in Nashua, New Hampshire while visiting my brothers. I paid $5 for it. It is my first digital camera, and it is slow and old and goes through batteries like crazy. But we just took to each other for some strange reason.
I was never a picture taker. I didn't like waiting for film to be developed. This camera brought me into a new age. The computer age, I would guess. The digital age would be more appropriate.
I do come from a family of talented artists. My Grandmother was a local artist, who made a name for herself in my community. My Mother was an amazing artist as well. My Great Grandfather on my Mother's side was a published Scottish poet. Art, music, literature, were everywhere in my upbringing. Self expression was always encouraged in my family.
Anyway, back to the camera. I read the directions and began to use it. I liked the almost instant gratification of seeing what I had done that day. I see beauty in a way I didn't before. Mostly it has been a distraction from the sadness in my life. I can take a walk, camera in hand and just look for something interesting. This little machine has given my life a new path to explore, and at my age I appreciate that.
Yesterday I saw a loon, swimming in the middle of a lake. I took some video of it, and a few pictures, but they did not turn out. Jerry could see my frustration at it being just out of reach. He promised me that by this time next year he will make sure I get a new camera. One with a fast shutter speed, and zoom power. Until then my little Sony Cyber Shot circa 2003 will have to do. I know that we will have fun together this summer.
Be prepared for more pictures in this blog. But always remember, just jane is not a picture blog, it is me, doing my thing, what ever that is at that moment. Hey, maybe next year someone will refer to it as a poetry blog. Probably not, but you never know.
I was never a picture taker. I didn't like waiting for film to be developed. This camera brought me into a new age. The computer age, I would guess. The digital age would be more appropriate.
I do come from a family of talented artists. My Grandmother was a local artist, who made a name for herself in my community. My Mother was an amazing artist as well. My Great Grandfather on my Mother's side was a published Scottish poet. Art, music, literature, were everywhere in my upbringing. Self expression was always encouraged in my family.
Anyway, back to the camera. I read the directions and began to use it. I liked the almost instant gratification of seeing what I had done that day. I see beauty in a way I didn't before. Mostly it has been a distraction from the sadness in my life. I can take a walk, camera in hand and just look for something interesting. This little machine has given my life a new path to explore, and at my age I appreciate that.
Yesterday I saw a loon, swimming in the middle of a lake. I took some video of it, and a few pictures, but they did not turn out. Jerry could see my frustration at it being just out of reach. He promised me that by this time next year he will make sure I get a new camera. One with a fast shutter speed, and zoom power. Until then my little Sony Cyber Shot circa 2003 will have to do. I know that we will have fun together this summer.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
A journey to my core beliefs
Understanding your own beliefs comes from focused thought, and quiet contemplation. Quiet contemplation, now that is an idea! My head spins with thoughts constantly, but to quiet my mind enough to interpret them is another thing entirely. The act of making an earnest statement of my core beliefs is much more difficult than I first thought.
I have no real sense of direction, here. I guess I will start with the first thing that comes into my mind. My soul. I believe that we all have souls, and that our souls follow us for eternity. We are more than flesh and bone. More than a brain running a vascular system. We are a part of something bigger, more important than ourselves. To quote Bob Dylan " The answer my friend is blowing in the wind, the answer is blowing in the wind." So I will move on.
Kindness, that is my next pop up. We all have been raised to follow the " Golden Rule" right? Do unto others as we would have others do unto us. To treat all people, no matter who they are, what beliefs they hold, with compassion and fairness. Taking the high road, without judgement of your fellow man. Good stuff, right? I believe in that!
Listen with your heart, not just your ears. Stay open to new ideas. Do it without fear of shattering your core belief system. I think it boils down to have an open mind. We are all composites of our life experiences. It is easy to get lost in our suffering and forget to look around at the beauty. There is beauty everywhere, in all things, in all people.
Where ever you are, be there, in the moment. This one is tough for me. Taste the coffee with its bitter bite, hear the birds singing, outside, and feel the strain on my back as I sit at this computer doing this exercise in futility. This philosophical exercise in a semi public forum, a record of my thoughts sent out into the world.
In the end, on my death bed I think it will all boil down to one thing. I have loved, with all of my heart. I have also been loved, felt loved, everyday of my life. When all the rest falls away, my health, my freedom to choose what to do with my day, I will still have that. And then the sky will open up and embrace me, and I will be a part of something greater.
I have no real sense of direction, here. I guess I will start with the first thing that comes into my mind. My soul. I believe that we all have souls, and that our souls follow us for eternity. We are more than flesh and bone. More than a brain running a vascular system. We are a part of something bigger, more important than ourselves. To quote Bob Dylan " The answer my friend is blowing in the wind, the answer is blowing in the wind." So I will move on.
Kindness, that is my next pop up. We all have been raised to follow the " Golden Rule" right? Do unto others as we would have others do unto us. To treat all people, no matter who they are, what beliefs they hold, with compassion and fairness. Taking the high road, without judgement of your fellow man. Good stuff, right? I believe in that!
Listen with your heart, not just your ears. Stay open to new ideas. Do it without fear of shattering your core belief system. I think it boils down to have an open mind. We are all composites of our life experiences. It is easy to get lost in our suffering and forget to look around at the beauty. There is beauty everywhere, in all things, in all people.
Where ever you are, be there, in the moment. This one is tough for me. Taste the coffee with its bitter bite, hear the birds singing, outside, and feel the strain on my back as I sit at this computer doing this exercise in futility. This philosophical exercise in a semi public forum, a record of my thoughts sent out into the world.
In the end, on my death bed I think it will all boil down to one thing. I have loved, with all of my heart. I have also been loved, felt loved, everyday of my life. When all the rest falls away, my health, my freedom to choose what to do with my day, I will still have that. And then the sky will open up and embrace me, and I will be a part of something greater.
Monday, April 11, 2011
My first wood tick of the season...but hey it was worth it!
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| Leaves of three, let them be! Poison Ivy |
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Just something isn't it?
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| Grandma's boxcar, Duluth, Mn. |
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| Light house, Duluth, Mn |
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| Ariel lift bridge, Duluth, Mn |
I took these photos last October. Duluth is a beautiful place to grow up.
Friday, April 8, 2011
I can do better 55
Shadows on the grass,
gnarled knotted twisted bark
branches diligently reaching
dreams of summer leaves rustling
bees buzzing, birds nesting in your
haven
you are not for climbing
your perch on a hill makes you difficult to sit under
your roots are uncomfortable pillows
my neck aches as I attempt to cloud gaze
you're magnificent.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Signs of Spring on a Thursday walk around the neighborhood
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| A neighbor hanging out clothes to dry in the warmth of the Spring sun |
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| A honey bee, busy at work on the only blooms to have arrived... |
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| My neighbor taking his Christmas lights down... |
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| Even though the snow is not all melted, people seem to be coming out of hibernation... |
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Voices in My Head
This poem speaks to the pain my son is in everyday. Voices, feelings, guiding him away from happiness. This is my pain, his pain. How can a parent ever be happy, knowing how their children suffer? This poet knows her pain, she knows his pain. I dream of the day when they find peace, for then, I will know peace.
Spring promises
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