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Thursday, July 7, 2011

Expired, if not now, when?

I give myself an estimated 22 more years. I am going to cherish as much of it as I can, I hope. I am going to get more moles removed and biopsied next Monday. I hope they find nothing, but hey I lived the first 40 years on a big beach and eight of my close relatives died of malignant melanoma. What ever. I don't smoke, never did. I don't drink to excess, and I quit tanning a few years ago.

When your parents die, I think it is natural to give yourself an expiration date. I estimate that I am somewhere between my Mom and my Dad. She died of a brain aneurysm at an early age, 64. She smoked like a person who loved smoking. Perhaps 2 packs a day, of nonfiltered Pall Mall's. She ate right, and was a size 2 perhaps. She exercised everyday, and was an inspiration.

 My Dad died of complications of malignant melanoma just last month. He was born in 1934 so he just turned 77, in June. Okay, he didn't take great care of himself. He was a recovering alcoholic, but in his defense he stopped drinking in 1971. He smoked cigars, but only on the golf course. He ate right, he exercised. He was healthy, until he wasn't.

Me, in my defense, I am okay with 22 more years. God, hear me, I could use 22 more years. I am 49 years old. I have survived cancer. I have survived spousal abuse. I am the child of an alcoholic. I am the wife of a recovering alcoholic. I am the Mother of one mentally ill child, and one confused, and probably mentally ill child. All I want is some time to help as much as I can, and maybe a moment to shine. That seems grandiose, perhaps. I want it all the same.

I want to be content, for a while. I want to have just a bit of happiness, and some big laughs. I want to be loved. I want to be loved, I want to be loved. I can not say it enough. I know I am loved, but I don't want it to end, soon.

Yes, I know how pathetic this sounds....No, I am not depressed....honestly. I have examined my feelings, and there is grief, which is normal, and sadness which is to be expected, now. Hey, don't tell me you have never examined this idea, yourself. You have!!!

Monday, after my biopsy, I will find the answers to this question. I know that I will make the best of the next whatever time I have. Be it a year or 40 years. I appreciate life. I love, and I am loved. Eight people in my immediate family died of melanoma. Eight.....I wish I would have understood that earlier. I wish that youth had not clouded my judgement. Youth is optimistic, and that is a fact. Grief is natural, and me jumping to conclusions, natural, too.

I am okay, I will be fine. I am okay, today. Just remember next time you stare into that glorious sun, looking for that healthy glow, that it is deadly, and life giving at the same time. Be aware, you too have an expiration date.