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Wednesday, May 18, 2011

For nothing

Life, in my humble opinion, and probably many others, is a series of crises that need to be faced. Sometimes in finding the strength to face them, I mistakenly find myself in the theater of melancholy. I have been to that place before, and I didn't like the show, at all. God, I have really been there, suicide note and all. But that is not what I am journaling about this time.

What seems difficult, tonight, as I sit here, at this keyboard, staring at the monitor is to find value in this....all of it.There is power in irrational thought, as well as rational thought. There is value in just having fun, and there is value in crying your eyes out. I see the importance of passion, enthusiasm, and making mistakes. I must love making mistakes, because I set myself up for failure more times that I care to admit. What happened to the bold person I used to be? Did I leave her behind in that place I visited during my " Great Depression"? Of course I did! Of course I am not the same, ignorant, self confident, passionate person I was. I am just a shadow of her, really. I am accustomed to my darker side, now.

You know, healing is a process, and I am stuck. I am carrying around an emotional burden that is heavy. My Dad is dying, my children are suffering, and I am finding it hard to stay up. I get the beauty of chemical distractions. I get the idea of running away and just forgetting. I do, but it is just not for me. I filled a prescription for sleeping pills the other day. I took them for a couple of days, just so I could get the sleep I needed to function at work. They left me groggy and forgetful. That is not for me. I think the fact that I have no thyroid leaves me unable to take that stuff. Perhaps it amplified my depression.

I would like to imagine myself as someone with dignity. Someone who has the courage to face all the challenges that life throws at me with grace. I would like to think of myself as a person who can find creative solutions to all those pesky troubles. Death, mental illness, addiction, homelessness, poverty, depression, beware! I am going to show up, everyday, and fight for my life. There is no escape! No, I am not homeless, or addicted, but someone I love is. I know I can not solve those problems for them. I know that! But I can step back and be supportive and mature. I can overcome my own shortcomings.

More importantly I spy a spider crawling on my wall and I am going to stop all this blog pity and squish it! Now that is something!