Friday, June 17, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Struck
If he would have cracked me upside the head with a baseball bat I would not have been more shocked. I know better than to ever let my guard down. Is blindsided the word? Yes, I think that describes it, perfectly.
Here is how it went, from my point of view. I commented on a facebook site called Bringchange2mind, and then I decided that sharing the site with my "friends" was important.
Bringchange2mind has given me clarity. The stigma of mental illness should be addressed. I am proud to have been given a voice. I am proud of my children, even though they are struggling. I am not ashamed that I, too, have struggled with depression, in the past. I believe that for the first time in my life I feel stronger at my weakest places.
My children's natural father decided to attack me, on facebook. He accused me of limiting Nate's future by associating with this group. I have shamed him,(Nate) for speaking out. Because of me, he will never get a job, or an apartment, or a future. That is the edited version of the messages, but it was cruel. It was typical of the kind of abuse I endured throughout our relationship. Along with physical abuse, there was this oppression. I was edited, dismissed, violated.
We have been divorced since 1988. All these years I have tried to keep communication open, for the sake of the children. I once had to get a restraining order against him, after threats that I took seriously, many years after our divorce, and while I was married to Jerry.
Anyway, this guy is hostile, and intelligent, and moody. He scares me, but I will not be intimidated. He is not my friend, he is an ex.
Do you know what else disturbs me? He goes to AA faithfully, AA a support group. He is a member of his church choir. I guess you really never know, do you? In my mind, my heart, I did nothing wrong. I never mentioned Nate, at all. I just shared information about the group. A support group, that I identify with.
Here is how it went, from my point of view. I commented on a facebook site called Bringchange2mind, and then I decided that sharing the site with my "friends" was important.
Bringchange2mind has given me clarity. The stigma of mental illness should be addressed. I am proud to have been given a voice. I am proud of my children, even though they are struggling. I am not ashamed that I, too, have struggled with depression, in the past. I believe that for the first time in my life I feel stronger at my weakest places.
My children's natural father decided to attack me, on facebook. He accused me of limiting Nate's future by associating with this group. I have shamed him,(Nate) for speaking out. Because of me, he will never get a job, or an apartment, or a future. That is the edited version of the messages, but it was cruel. It was typical of the kind of abuse I endured throughout our relationship. Along with physical abuse, there was this oppression. I was edited, dismissed, violated.
We have been divorced since 1988. All these years I have tried to keep communication open, for the sake of the children. I once had to get a restraining order against him, after threats that I took seriously, many years after our divorce, and while I was married to Jerry.
Anyway, this guy is hostile, and intelligent, and moody. He scares me, but I will not be intimidated. He is not my friend, he is an ex.
Do you know what else disturbs me? He goes to AA faithfully, AA a support group. He is a member of his church choir. I guess you really never know, do you? In my mind, my heart, I did nothing wrong. I never mentioned Nate, at all. I just shared information about the group. A support group, that I identify with.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
Saturday, June 11, 2011
I am going to grow from this, and a better me will emerge, soon, I promise
The title says it all. Oh the anger, the anger, I didn't expect it, and it courts me daily. I am Rocky without a match, just an angry old woman, with issues. I am embarrassed, but it is real. I called for another refill on anxiety meds, because I keep thinking I should drive myself to the emergency room for my heart attacks. LOSER, much!
I am grateful for your patience, here. I am better than this. Just keep reading, and something pure will unfold. My grief will fade, and I will emerge a brighter, wiser, human soul. I just have to get past a difficult time, and I am doing my best to do it organically. Just forgive me, please. My Dad was a good man, with his own agenda. I was just a hurdle to him, never a joy. But I found joy in him, and he in I, in the end. The rest is history, and shall be forgiven, and forgotten.
Forward, always forward, towards the light.
I am grateful for your patience, here. I am better than this. Just keep reading, and something pure will unfold. My grief will fade, and I will emerge a brighter, wiser, human soul. I just have to get past a difficult time, and I am doing my best to do it organically. Just forgive me, please. My Dad was a good man, with his own agenda. I was just a hurdle to him, never a joy. But I found joy in him, and he in I, in the end. The rest is history, and shall be forgiven, and forgotten.
Forward, always forward, towards the light.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Worthless Wednesday
I feel
worthless
sad
worthless
broken
worthless
choked
worthless
mad
worthless
just plain worthless
that's all
I'm done
worthless
sad
worthless
broken
worthless
choked
worthless
worthless
just plain worthless
that's all
I'm done
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