The big question

Again with the questions. Who cares? Who really cares? Remember the movie with Tom Cruise with the line..."Show me the money"? I think the same movie had a line..."you complete me" Good lines, but completely unreasonable ideas!  Here is what I think...which is the whole point of a blog, right?

Disappointment is what you get, when you have expectations. It is better to be serene. Let people be who they are. Like you really have a choice anyway. We need to extract the fullest nourishment from our friends. Enjoy ourselves, cope with the bad stuff, and go on creating ourselves throughout our lives.

Laugh, a lot! We really don't laugh enough, do we? Laughing is said to be therapeutic. Even smiling helps the brain trigger some good, healthy stuff.

Eat good food, everyday. I don't mean healthy food, I mean good tasting food. The kind that makes you want to have seconds. Remember the first time you tasted a quarter pounder with cheese? I do. I was working as a survey taker for the DTA in Superior, WI. My mom got me the summer job, and I was maybe 14 or 15 years old. I would ride the bus around and around, counting the people getting on and getting off the bus. The bus driver, who of course I got to know, bought me a quarter pounder with cheese, and I thought it was fantastic. It was salty, and cheesy and different from anything I had ever eaten. Honestly though, the best part about it was that it was unexpected. I can tell you I have not had one since that has tasted that good. Good food is like that though. The first time is always the best. I could write an entire book about the meals that I have enjoyed. Where  I was, who I was with, and what struck me about it. I am a flavor savorer.

Love. What is there to say about love? It hurts, it feels fantastic, it hurts again. You never know when the people you love will leave you. Will they die? Will you disappoint them? Will they forget about you? It is the only drama that you can't really live without. To love is to live. To be loved is to exist.

Create. Hey, I am creating this right now! I try to be creative. I try to use whatever talent I have. I believe that I am useful like that. It keeps me sane.

Enjoy everyday. That is a tough one! Find one thing about everyday that was good, and thank God for it. Be grateful for something even when you have a huge headache and you have to work, and the house is a massive disaster and your bank account is in the red. Find one good thing. Maybe your plant, which you have not watered in weeks stayed alive. Maybe you had friends who needed you, when you thought there you had nothing left to give, and it gave you a purpose. Maybe an old rerun of Lucy came on, and you smiled. Maybe you found your other shoe. Whatever, enjoy, and thank God for the opportunity.

Remember. Remember the times when you were happiest. Remember the people, you loved, who are now gone. Give them your honor and your time, and remember them. I hope someday, after I leave this earth, that I am remembered. I hope someone takes the time to miss me. I hope that I am worth that.

Amber waves of grain

Saturday afternoon in Wisconsin. What a gift to have a day like today to enjoy all of the beauty of nature. 

My ducks are not all in a row

Eventually we all have to face it.

Tonight I had a hard conversation with one of my dearest friends. She has made the difficult decision to put down her dog. He is very ill, and it is for the best, but that doesn't make it any less painful. Her dog, Romeo, is still young, maybe 5 years old. He still has bounce in his step, and a wag in his tail. She is going to take him to the vet on Saturday to end his suffering. Her plan is to take him to the dog park for one last run, then take him to McDonalds for a cheeseburger, his very favorite people food. Just thinking about it turns my eyes to water. I am so sorry for her, and for him. He is a good dog. He has a good parent, who knows that it would be selfish to let him suffer anymore.

I know that my cat, Iggy, will soon be looking to me to be unselfish. Just the thought of it scares me. He is old, and gentle, and loving. He still has a purr in his tummy, and enough energy to jump up on the table, where he doesn't belong. I know that he on the decline though. He eats like a starving maniac. He is bald on top. He doesn't want to go outside and eat grass anymore. He sleeps 23 hours a day. He limps. Okay, he has always had the limp, but it looks pathetic now that he is old.

Iggy is my dream cat. I wished for a cat like him when I was a little girl. He has bright blue eyes, and is pure white. He has good manners. He likes people, dogs, and kids. He even rides well in a car. I can honestly say that he was my idea of the perfect cat. I don't want to say goodbye to him. I will probably never have another cat.

Tonight I will think of Romeo, and his mom, my dear friend. I will put them in my prayers. I pray that his last days on this earth are filled with joy. I pray for my friend, too, who is courageous enough to do right by him.

My summer reading list

As usual I am searching for a good book. One that will change my perspective, and maybe enhance my life after I have finished it. While looking through my bookshelf I found a book I purchased this winter, in fact two copies of the same book. Yup, I must really be drawn to it to have purchased two copies, although I have to say it happens too often. I see it on the shelf of the bookstore, I pick it up and I decide that it will raise my consciousness, and I must have it.

The only problem with deep, meaningful books, is that they are hard to read at the beach. They are not always page turners. I usually end up reading trashy novels in the car, at the beach, on my lunch break, and at night before I go to sleep. This, sad to say, is the extent of my reading time, and I waste it on things with amusing titles and pictures that attract me.

Okay, back to the book I bought two copies of. I have to say that the only thing attractive about the cover is the Oprah's book club insignia on the right hand side. Oprah does recommend good reading material, she hasn't steered me wrong yet. The book is titled A New Earth, Awakening to your life's purpose by Eckhart Tolle.

If you have ever read this blog before you know that I have struggled with that for a while now. So when I picked up this book, and read the back cover I was drawn in. It explains that attachment to the ego leads to dysfunction and transcending that leads to balance. Good stuff, right?

I finished yet another quick superficial read last night and went in search of a book on the bookshelf. I picked it up, and started it. WOW! It is amazing, and I am looking forward to dusting it off the bed side table for many a night. It is just one of those books that you have to read each sentence more than once to get. I am not saying that it is dry or over my head, I am saying that with each sentence it provokes thought, and I must pause and think. This book will not be a one day read, that I know for sure.

Will I stay faithful to it until I finish? Probably not! I will plow my way through other fiction, as I savor this nonfiction gem. I intend to digest this book slowly. It may be the only book on my summer reading list that I will come away a better person for reading. At least I hope to.

Did you know?

Did you know that if you were never scared, embarrassed, sorry, or hurt, it would mean that your life was empty? All good things come from being uncomfortable, at least in the beginning.

It is only recently that I thought about that. Being that I have had an anxiety disorder my entire life, I have felt that way about the most common ordinary circumstances. For instance, going to get the mail sends chills down my spine. It is true.

I am on a journey now that causes great fear. I am about to look for a different job, and move to a city where I know nobody. I have to find a place to live. I have to find a job. I have to make friends.

I know that these are simple things, but for me they are distressing. What if I can't find a job I love. What if the house I choose isn't as nice as the one that I am leaving. What if no one likes me. What if I fail?

I am almost 50 years old. Am I too old to start over again? Will I be happy there?  I guess that is all up to me.

I know that all change is not growth. Sometimes change is good, sometimes it is not so good. I know that staying here, out of fear is only hurting my family. So I will be strong, and do what I have to do, to make a good life for myself and my loves.

It will take courage. It will take fortitude. It will take humor. I will be uncomfortable, for a while, and it will be good. This I pray.

Do you believe in ghosts?

When I first moved to Neillsville I was recovering from a huge bout of depression. I mean BIG! It took my by storm and changed my life forever. I was hospitalized, drugged, and made to reevaluate my entire life. What I saw, I didn't like, and I worked very hard to bring myself back to health, happiness, and most of all sanity.

The life I left behind certainly wasn't all bad. I had friends, a job, a house which was almost paid for. I needed to leave it all behind to find my health again. I was a ghost. I had no connection to my life.

When I left, I said goodbye to nobody. I didn't let anyone know where I was, and I escaped to the solitude of a small town where nobody knew me, and nobody cared. No one but my husband, with whom I repaired a broken marriage.

Today, I am still recovering from that life lesson. I have just recently let in some of the people that I left behind. It is scary everyday, knowing that I am not the invisible ghost I was. I am out there, a little, at least. It is the truth.

What I learned was that sometimes you have to save yourself. I am lucky to be alive. I rode the dragon and lived to tell about it. I was a ghost and now I am truly alive, well and living in a small town, which I am growing out of.

Thank you my friends, for being there when I needed you. Thank you for welcoming me back. I know that I am a work in progress. I thank God for the second chance at life.