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Thursday, February 4, 2010

What does enlightenment have to do with my lipid profile?

Here is the thing, I really am serious here, what does it all mean? My husband works with the elderly, and we were discussing how there are basically two types of people in Nursing Homes, those who are ready for the great beyond, and those who are afraid to die.

Let me make this clear, I do not want to end up unable to care for myself. Who does? Given the opportunity I would much rather die in my sleep, in my own house, after a full and fruitful life.

I would like to profess that I am not afraid to die. I have given it my all, done my best, and blah, blah, blah. I would like to say that, but it would be untrue. I want enlightenment first. I want to know why my time on this earth was justified. I want to know what I was meant to do, and did I achieve this goal.

The answer is simple, I will just stay as healthy as I can, until I know what I need to know. Then I will be one of those old ladies, who are "ready to go".

There was a time, a few years ago, I thought I had it all figured out. I was fighting cancer, run away kids, and other assorted major life problems. I was ready to quit. I thought I couldn't handle the pain of it. I thought I was ready to go. My body was tired, my mind foggy, I didn't care what happened anymore. I just dragged myself through the days, weeks, months. I just kept on waking up, and doing what was expected of me. What I expected of me that is.

I look back on that time and I am grateful for it. I was enlightened by it. I know what I am capable of.

I also think I became more compassionate. I am empathetic in a way I never used to be. I take in emotions that are not mine to feel, and by looking from another view, I learn. Is this part of my journey?

I want to live. I love my life.