Getting to the truth in it.

Recently, I have been lucky enough to have come across books that have lead me to self fulfillment. They ask for truth, honesty, and in return I will have a more fulfilling life. They state that to find stillness and peace is essential to improving ones outlook. 

I am trying to soak it all up, practice stillness, be aware of the moment, and not jump ahead. I am finding this very difficult. I am not by my nature a still person. I am afraid of what stillness will drum up in my brain. I am afraid to really express my emotions. I feel like an atom bomb, whose stability is in question. I may just shatter, break down and take the whole of society with me in the process. Somehow I feel these things, and I know that there is truth in that. There is also fear in that, and a skewed sense of self worth.

Jackpot! I have been terrified to be myself. I am afraid to offend people with my bad behavior, my desire to misbehave. I hide behind the facade of a good solid person, but I have a truth in me that is shameful.. And I am not just talking about my overwhelming desire to eat chocolate covered strawberries. I am talking about ending bad relationships, saying no more excuses. No more abuse. I am talking about asking for what I want, and expecting it. No more putting my desires last. No more silence when someone puts my lifestyle down. I Will Defend my life choices, or if I decide  they need to be revised , I will be brave enough to do that too. The truth will set me free..........the truth will set me on a path........my truth will be my priority.

The dream keeper

My mother was a dreamer. She always had some plan, some fantasy, in mind. She could spend hours looking at a Sears catalog and redecorate the entire house in her imagination. She spoke of trips she would someday take, to Scotland, to visit her beloved cousins. She would buy a single lottery ticket and would plan how she would make her family happy with the winnings.

One of her favorite songs was Scarlet Ribbons. She would play it on our old piano, and sing. The song is about a girl, who dreams of ribbons. It is a sad song about unfulfilled dreams, about poverty. My mom saw the beauty in the words, and shared them with us. My brothers and I would sit by her and listen to her sing. This is how she instilled the power of dreaming. In the song, even though the little girls parents couldn't afford ribbons they appeared on her pillow one morning. Hope is eternal. Dreams can come true.

After my mothers death it became hard for me to dream. I would think of all of my moms big plans, which were cut short by her sudden death, and I would feel hopeless. It took me out, I no longer wanted anything to do with the future. I lost my will to dream.

It is only recently that I have spent any time at all looking forward to the future. I am starting on this path, the one my mother, the dream keeper, paved for me. Maybe someday I will journey to Scotland in my mothers place, and visit my cousins. Maybe....there will be scarlet ribbons.....for me.

Keeping up with the Laundry

I know that there are better, possibly more productive things to do with my day off, but blogging just seemed to call to me today.

There is a mountain of laundry in my basket, but instead of sorting it, and lugging it to the nearest mat, I decided to write a love letter to my dirty clothes.

Dear worn stuff in my laundry basket,

How are you? Are you getting along with each other in that jumbled chaos in the closet. I am really sorry that I am neglecting you. I really am, really! Soon you will get the attention that you deserve. I will sort you by color, then examine each and every one of you for stains. I will apply the proper chemical to each and every potential stain and gently rub you. Next I will place you  in the laundry basket and transport you to the laundromat. I will be careful to divide you into equal parts, and not crowd you. I will set the machine to the proper setting, and start inserting quarters. I will spend as much as I need to to satisfy your needs.

I will be careful to hang you up, and fold you nicely. I will take care of you until you are old, or until we grow apart.This is my promise.

Please be patient with me.

Love, Jane

Instant Karma

We have a little book in the bathroom, we pick it up from time to time and read little pieces of advise. The advise is based on the principles of Buddhism, Taoism, and other spiritual traditions. Karma is the theory that what you do today, good, bad, indifferent, will come back to you tomorrow.

The first piece of advise in this book is wait for the door to be unlocked instead of trying to break it down. Good advise, I admit, but really who would stand by a locked door and not at least knock first? Was that implied, and I just missed it?

The last piece of advise in this book is "Start where you are". Yup in 594 pages the last advise is to start where you are. I kind of like it, really, starting at the end of the book, life begins anew.I find it comforting.

The most ironic thing about the book is the title, Instant Karma. Somehow karma should not be instant, but a walk that lasts your lifetime. I have tried some of the advise in the book. One of my favorites is "when you stop blaming others, you regain your sense of personal power." That speaks to me.

Just having that book, which has seen better days, the binding is broken, the pages are curled, makes me feel like there is a chance to be better.I like it.

If a tree falls in the forest....

I can imagine the crack of the tree, that rhetorical tree, I can actually hear it in my mind. I look up to see where the sound is coming from and I see branches twisting, breaking, falling to the earth. I quickly look at its path, to see if there is danger, and then look up again to witness the event. In my imaginary forest it is noon, the sun is shining on the forest floor, there is a bed of fallen leaves, and dead wood. I am on a path, and I am watching from a safe distance. It is cool in the forest, the shade feels good. There is a slight breeze, and no bugs. The sound it makes is a loud crack, followed by some high pitched squeaks, then small loud clicks as the limbs rub against other trees that are still standing. I can hear the dead wood shatter as it hits the forest floor.
The birds stop singing for this event, just the sound of the tree is apparent to me. Slowly the sounds of the forest resume. Birds chirp, squirrels scamper by, bugs fly past, buzzing in my ears.I take a step forward, and I too resume my walk. I feel comforted, knowing that there was a purpose to my walk. I was there to hear it, if only in my mind.

The disadvantages of blind obedience

We may have been raised with the belief that blind obedience was the moral way. Never question authority figures, do what you are told, be good. It really didn't matter if what we were told made any sense to us, it mattered that we obeyed. It mattered what the neighbors thought, it mattered what other people thought. We may have inferred that the only opinion that didn't matter was our own.

Personally, I have been a people pleaser all of my life. I put myself last, my opinion was the one that went unspoken. I didn't always follow my instincts, and I should have. My moral compass was pointing to true North.

I am happy to say that I didn't raise my children to follow blindly. Yes, the same children who in previous blogs, I reviled are rail bums and who have abused drugs. It is as though we will prevent terrible things from happening if only we worry enough. If we guard ourselves from all of the negative things around us, if we look away from tragedy, if we look past homelessness it will not affect us. I am here to say that it will. I am here to tell you that even spiritual people, who have done all that they can to prevent such things, can be blindsided.

I am thankful for the disruption in my people pleasing life. I am thankful to my children for not only being themselves, but showing me my error of blind obedience. I was shaken out of my comfort zone and given a chance to look at everything anew. I read somewhere that your sadness can make you empty, your sadness can make you open up. The strange thing is I was sadder in my ignorance than I am now. I have put a mirror in front of myself, and seen me for the first time. I may not like everything about myself, and my decisions, but from now on, they will come from my heart. My moral compass will lead me.

On being grateful and energetic

Life is short, right? The energy we expend on guilt, shame, anger, anxiety, is all wasted time. I am making it my goal today to be grateful. I will be grateful, and I will be energetic. I will not waste my life in reflection. I vow to try new things. I will be brave, and I wont care about what other people think.

Okay, let me put it this way, I will try to do these things. I will remember to find inner strength in challenging situations. I will be better. I will attempt to find something good in everything.

This coming from someone who is, at times, afraid of anything and everything. Fear consumes me, it eats me alive, leaves big holes in my soul. I will find something useful in that too, because as my husband always says, there are only two true emotions, love and fear. I will thank the heavens above that love consumes me also. I am loved, and have the capacity to love. I have it all.