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Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Decisions, resolve, despair and back again

Zack and Cait people in my life, who I pray for every single day. People I love. 

Baby Zack and baby Nate, my memories of the childhood I gave them, my wishes for their happy life, in their smiles.

Nate with two of his cousins, goofing around at a grad party.
Zack and Cait, more currently, yet still years ago.

Nate and Jerry, goofing around, last month

My son Nate, looking healthy.




A hopeful place, for children. A sad place for me.

The stems are weeping, like I am, in this time of sorrow and confusion.


My Dad's ashes, being released, according to his wishes.

His final request, carried out by those who loved him.

His urn on the course, with a tee.
I am lost, here. I know that grief is natural. I grieve for my Dad, I think, in the normal way. I grieve for my children, harder, longer, stronger. I will never have a normal family, and now I don't even have the energy to pretend that it will all work out.
Saturday is my Wedding anniversary, and I intend to spoil Jerry, who deserves the very best of me, all the time. No sadness is allowed to seep into our day.
Nate has a chance to be safe, and perhaps sometime in the future he will be stable enough to live a productive life. I hope so, I pray for it.
Zack, he is on the streets, he has no hope for a brighter future. He likes his life, this sad life. I am just tired of fighting back fear on his behalf. He lives on the edge, and I have nothing in my reserves to help him get out. Nothing left, no more Scarlett O'hara "tomorrow is another day" moments left in me. I feel hopeless, and sadness, and grief, for the life they were intended for. I failed them, it is my secret shame.
There you have it...I didn't do something right, obviously, even though I did everything I could think of, at the time. I used all my resources, Dr.s Councilors, Treatment centers, rules, rules, rules. I even let go of my marriage for 2 years, trying to make Zack happy. Healthy didn't happen that way. I stepped back, to save myself, and I did, for the most part.
I am sorry for all the ramblings, here. I am truly sorry, but writing makes me feel better. It gives me ideas, sometimes, and dries my tears.
It has been quite the month. It is time to focus on our future, and leave regret in the past, where it belongs.