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Monday, March 28, 2011

Compassion

Sometimes this blog, for me is a place for sadness, and shadows. Sometimes it is an outlet for my creative side. Sometimes it is a way for me to distract myself from the growing shabbiness I see in the mirror. I imagine there are many reasons to sit here, at this keyboard, and fill my night with words. Tonight I find that I need to write about compassion.

Life can just give you a passionate and forceful slap on the face, when you least expect it. You have to step back and reevaluate your intentions. Tonight such a thing occurred. I was distracting myself from my current child drama, and I unintentionally offended someone. I made a comment on someone's blog that I started following. I don't imagine that they had any idea who was commenting, and took offense at my comment. I will regret that, now, forever.

Harsh...isn't it? That some unintended offense can throw me off so much. It probably isn't the real reason that I am upset, although it feels like it, tonight. I know that the real reason that I am sitting here, writing, is that I can not stop thinking about my son, Nate. He is once again in the hospital. He is trapped in a mind that torments him, and there is nothing I can do to help him. I can not help him, I do not pity him, therefore compassion isn't really the right word for this post.

This is the truth, as I see it. I am using this format to distract myself from feeling sad all the time. I use this outlet to reach out, but not in a way that I want to get anything back. I don't want pity, either. I want strength, and I find strength in examining my ideas, this way. I have always written, even as a small child. You know...Dear Diary, how are you? I am fine, myself. That kind of stuff.  I was a young girl, who believed herself to be invincible, once. Now I struggle to keep myself together. I know I have no control, that I am just on the outside, looking in.

Okay, shake it off, Jane. That is the compassionate advise I give to myself, tonight. Get some sleep, and tomorrow you will have the strength to get through what you need to. Take it one crisis at a time, and know that you are not in control. Worry only tires you. It helps nothing...no one. Slow that thinking down, and find something pleasant to dream of. Think of the perfect summers day. Or just take some time to cry, and let it all out, silently, so your sleeping Husband doesn't hear you. You will feel better, I promise.