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Thursday, March 24, 2022

Silence after a very hard time.

 The last time I posted, my Son died of an accidental overdose. It is coming, the  second anniversary of his passing. May 9th. I am attempting to kick my ass and live every day! Mourning is a way of life. Living is a blessing!

Friday, October 16, 2020

 My Son died five months ago. I am really sad. The last time I mourned the loss of a loved one, I filled this blog with thoughtful things. I reflected on both the good and the bad. This time I feel betrayed by my source of therapy, writing. This place, like many others,


is now abandoned. Friends must social distance. Loved ones are afraid of Covid 19. Mourning mostly alone. Mourning, with a smile on my face, so that I keep my job as an essential worker. 

Sunday, February 19, 2017

The trouble with being accountable.

Early Saturday morning, I got a phone call, from my Son, Zack. He has a broken pelvis, and perhaps a broken back. Of course my anxiety spun out of control. My instinct was to run towards my Son, and fix what was broken.

Alas, my conscience held me away. My Son was in my arms, last week. He was in the hospital, at this time, Sunday, a week ago. On Monday, he checked out, against medical orders. He is not well! He is dying, and he checked himself out. I drove him to a neighboring city, as he requested. I did not offer my home as a shelter. His choice? Hospital or the streets? He chose. and I shattered.

It's Sunday night, and my Son is in pain. I am in pain. It sucks! I have no control of my Adult son's destiny. It is in his hands, and Gods. I can not enable. I can not rescue. It is his life, and the moment he left my womb, I respected that. I wanted to be the best Mom I could be, and I did that. Not perfect, not nearly what I hoped. I was as scared, as you were, my Sons. I was imperfect.

Life is fragile. Nobody is innocent. Love is infinite. I am praying for your life, and your sobriety. It is sadly not my decision.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Moving on







                                         I have spread my dreams under your feet.
                                     Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

                                                             W.B. Yeats

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

There is so much more to me, than this little blog, but it is a start.

I am at a precipice in my working life. It is time to move on, and be more that I have been these last 8 years.I I enjoyed being in the service of others. Being the stable one, the safe one, the teacher, and the student, it was just what I wanted it to be. The helping profession, doing good for mankind.
Working with the severely mentally challenged, and some mental illness thrown in for good measure, you see past the problems, the behaviors, and love the clients. You LOVE them, with your whole heart. Their happiness is your happiness. You are their stability, and it is your duty to have it together, and leave the rest at the door.
My personal life has factions like that as well. Nate, in the group home, only needs to hear pleasant news. There is no need to stress him, further.

I joined my company, eagerly, knowing their reputation for good works. I went about my work confidently, for 8 years, driving 60 miles through the woods, winter and summer. Through dangerous blizzards, weather warnings, tornado sirens, floods, Drunk drivers, broken down cars, flat tires, brake problems, serious anxiety, just to get to where I was needed, and wanted, and appreciated.

The shadow has lifted, now. I see that my work is not valued, like I once thought. I am a pawn in their game.   A facade of a christian name and backers. A company motto to hold all to the standard of Christ's good works.

I am finally clear to see that my hope for an ideal has not been realized. It is time to move on. I will not look back, because I do love those clients I care for daily. Love will be in my life, again. I just hope that those clients are not made aware for their caregivers distress. They have had difficult lives, and just need to be safe.

Safe is an illusion, I know that. Safe is just being your best, doing your best, and living right. I hope...