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Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Shoulds

     Take Jane for example, she had a vision on how everything should go. Of course, things didn't work out as Jane had envisioned.She suddenly realized what a flop she was. She spent the rest of the...fill in the blank...in quiet desperation, counting the minutes until she could escape.

     Jane's rigid expectations of what her life should have been, what the world expected of her, lead her down a path of self destructive behaviors.  Looking outward, not inward. Seeing the weakness and not the strength. Jane forgot to be compassionate.

    She listened to others, oh yes, because that is what was expected. She was understanding when her car was not fixed, properly. She had a shoulder for you to cry on, when you were down. She would give you 100%, leaving herself tired, drained, sucked dry of all emotion. Jane was a shadow of what she should be. Jane had a big problems, here. She was less, because she forgot the most important should. She forgot her confidence and self-acceptance. She should have been aware of that...right? Jane suffered under the crushing weight of her shoulds.

What do you think....good obituary, perhaps....NOPE! Time to rethink the next half of my life. Time to challenge myself to celebrate all that I am. Time to let it all go, and be perfectly happy being me.

Monday, March 12, 2012

TRUE STORY - Interview with Schizophrenic Man

TRUE STORY - Interview with Schizophrenic Man

Why would I post this short film on my blog? Anyone who knows me, knows that my son, Nate lives with this each and everyday. He is coming for a visit this weekend, and I expect that this is what I will deal with. The laughing, the distraction. It is common, and disturbing. 

Honestly, if I would have known that my son would suffer this much, I would have chosen a different path. What? Me? No! Yes! 

You never know, though. I pray that they find a medication that will work for him. I hope that someday he is able to live a productive, happy life. He is just existing, now. In a "group home" being "treated"....nothing hopeful in that. He is not living, he is not happy. He is not getting any better. He is just put away, alive, but not living, really. 

I feel guilty, on so many levels. I am guilty of bringing him into a world that is not prepared for his special circumstances. I am guilty of being his mother, and doing whatever I need to do to keep him alive, no matter how much he wants to go. Every psychotic episode brings more damage to his brain, and I am willing to admit that my hope for a cure is stronger than my empathy. He is my legacy. He is my son. He is my life, my love, my child. 

Anyway, I look forward to our four days together. I must administer his medication, and follow the rules set forth by the place. I will, and I will enjoy our time, together. I am also sad, everyday, that I will never know the Nate who I dreamed he would become. The bottom line is LOVE! I love him!