Why would I post this short film on my blog? Anyone who knows me, knows that my son, Nate lives with this each and everyday. He is coming for a visit this weekend, and I expect that this is what I will deal with. The laughing, the distraction. It is common, and disturbing.
Honestly, if I would have known that my son would suffer this much, I would have chosen a different path. What? Me? No! Yes!
You never know, though. I pray that they find a medication that will work for him. I hope that someday he is able to live a productive, happy life. He is just existing, now. In a "group home" being "treated"....nothing hopeful in that. He is not living, he is not happy. He is not getting any better. He is just put away, alive, but not living, really.
I feel guilty, on so many levels. I am guilty of bringing him into a world that is not prepared for his special circumstances. I am guilty of being his mother, and doing whatever I need to do to keep him alive, no matter how much he wants to go. Every psychotic episode brings more damage to his brain, and I am willing to admit that my hope for a cure is stronger than my empathy. He is my legacy. He is my son. He is my life, my love, my child.
Anyway, I look forward to our four days together. I must administer his medication, and follow the rules set forth by the place. I will, and I will enjoy our time, together. I am also sad, everyday, that I will never know the Nate who I dreamed he would become. The bottom line is LOVE! I love him!