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Sunday, February 19, 2012

Not good enough

Have you ever thought about why you hold back?  I have, and I know it is because I honestly think I am just not good enough. Photography...not good enough, there are so many young people with talent, and I am just learning at 50. Artist....not good enough to show my work. Writer....not good enough, someone might be critical. Mother...not good enough, look at how my kids struggle. Wife....not good enough, not enough sex, not enough home cooked meals, not enough laughter.  I do not think I am able to move past these feelings of insecurity and just go for it! I hold back, never taking it out of the shadows.

So, what do I think I do well? Good question. I can walk, in fact I enjoy walking, and thinking. I enjoy just being outside, but somehow inside my head. I am good at it. Does it benefit anyone? Maybe. It calms me, and some of my biggest smiles are alone, walking, smiles. In fact after a brisk winter walk I sometimes come inside to throbbing teeth from the cold hitting them, as I smile. Now if you were to look at photos of me you would never see my teeth. I am not a toothy smiler. I am self conscious of my smile. I have been since I was young. When I am walking along, alone, though, I just don't care. I smile!

So....I forgive myself for all of my shortcomings! I am going to push myself outside of my comfort zone, and be a little bit uncomfortable for a while. Hey, life really is short! If it doesn't work out the only person I have to answer to is myself, anyway. Oh and you...the 4 people who read this blog. Okay, there might be 5 people reading this, but one is my husband...does he count? Just kidding! He gets to walk my insecure path each and every day. I am going to be better, for me. He may benefit a little, too.