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Sunday, August 28, 2011

Happy Birthday, my Son.

Yesterday was Zacks birthday. He didn't call. I think that was a first. I am broken hearted. I worry, I am in tears as I write this.

My Dear Son, Zachary Matthew,

You were born on the hottest day of 1984, two days past your due date. You were born exactly 8 pounds, 22 inches long, and beautiful beyond my wildest dreams. I fell in love with you, instantly. I was young, I was 22 years old, and had never even held an infant. I was scared, and excited. I could not take my eyes off of you. You were a part of me, and your own person from the beginning.

Did you forget the day? Are you okay? Are you alive? These are the questions that run through my mind. Not my imagination, everyday thoughts. I mourn you, even though I have no idea if you are alive. I mourn the relationship we should have. We should talk every week. I should be a Grandmother. I should be able to hug you, occasionally.

Anyway, this is my memorial to your birth. This photo was taken exactly 27 years ago, today. You were one day old, and I was in the hospital.

Just know, I love you. I have always loved you, and will always love you. You can not disappoint me, because my expectations are null. I wish you the very best. I hope you are happy. That is all.

Love, Mom

I know Zack will never read this. He has no idea I blog. I just needed a place to keep my grief, and love, and sorrow. I needed a place to keep my memories. Thanks for understanding.

Peace, Jane

Friday, August 26, 2011

August breeze

Look a bee!







Look a butterfly!

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Thursday, August 25, 2011

The weather

 The weather, this week was all over the place. WOW! I just hope that all my blogging buddies stay safe. This is a tornado that touched down between where I work and my home. It left one person dead, and many homeless. A friend took these pictures. I was at work, trying to keep the clients safe. Sometimes that is harder than it may seem.

It has been a tough week for me. I started my new job, which so far I like. I have been missing my Dad terribly. Grief....it is so hard. We are looking forward to the move, but I have been so busy, working two jobs I haven't had a chance to look for a new place to live. I worked 78 hours last week. I will have the weekend off, yippy.

Well, off to work, I go. An overnighter! Energy drinks in hand!

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Saturday in rural Wisconsin

A wolf.  She kept running past me, with that happy grin. 

The farmers market in my small rural town. Yes, Amish farmers, selling their fruits, vegetables, jams and preserves.

A cafe, during the breakfast rush. Yes, I know, it is empty.

Neillsville, WI. Busy, busy, busy. I almost had to stop for traffic. Almost!


Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Just a walk in the park




Hey, I just liked it, okay?

Katie sniffing out the park
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Sunday, August 7, 2011

Sunday hike

Wisconsin countryside


Old barn


The corn is ripe



I didn't notice the deer leg until later, I was trying to get the butterfly

Katie hiking up the mountain

A very long way down

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Sondre Lerche - Dear Laughing Doubters

Loving-Kindness

I had an interview, today, for a job I think I may want. It is a job in the city where my husband wants to relocate to, and I will do whatever it takes to keep our marriage strong. I will probably get that job, because I am qualified for it. I will probably be happy in the job, because I am a natural caregiver, and it is a position in care giving. It is a position in which you need to step back and be selfless, yet strong. You need to let your crap fall at the threshold, and pick it up, if you need to, on the way out. I am good at that!

If you would have asked me, ten years ago, what my dreams were, I would have had an answer. Today, I have none. No answer. The rain has stopped, and the clouds have drifted east. The weather is mild, and my heart holds hope, but no dreams. I am content with that, for now. I am still mourning the great loss of my Dad. I am still mourning the hopes of a bright future for my children. I am still mourning my youth, which has slipped away quietly. I am practicing a form of loving kindness. I am not pushing myself to go forward, I am doing what needs to be done. I am using simplicity and clarity to guide me. 

I know I have the capacity to be flexible. The happiness I desire comes from understanding that I have loved, and have been loved. It is not about possessions, or security. That is all an illusion, anyway. You can never be rich enough, or secure enough, or admired enough. All you can hope to be is a reflection of loving kindness.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Monday morning thoughts

Last night I had a nightmare. It seemed real, as I suppose all nightmares do. I awoke to find that it was 5:30 am, and I'd only been asleep for a few hours. It really freaked me out. There was famine, everywhere. People were starving, there was no work, no money, no food.  For some reason to get from place to place you had to crawl through windows instead of walking through doors.

I suppose the debt ceiling crisis which has been front and center in the news seeded my dreams. I don't care what the origins were, I just hate dreaming about unpleasant things. I would rather not dream at all. I spend so much of my life worried that when I finally sleep I want peace.

I think I may have watched a piece on the African famine last night before going to bed, as well. How selfish of me to think that my dreams are worthy of peace, when there are people who go to bed starving. People who are in the midst of war. People who never have a moments peace. Who am I to complain? No one!

The retired and the disabled in the U.S. will get a check this month. I am relieved for them. If I never receive one social security check in my life I will still be glad I paid in. I realize that this is all over my head, and I am not fully informed on this subject, and will not discuss the details of it. I am just putting it in perspective, for myself, here.

What can I do, today, to make things better? It is overwhelming to think about the plight of the world, the economy, famine, death, war, fear. It is all too much for a Monday morning. I will start by remembering that even small changes can make a difference. I will not waste money. I will donate the things I no longer need, or want, to a local charity. I will live a humble life. I will pray. I will pray. I will pray.