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Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Struck

If he would have cracked me upside the head with a baseball bat I would not have been more shocked. I know better than to ever let my guard down. Is blindsided the word? Yes, I think that describes it, perfectly.
Here is how it went, from my point of view. I commented on a facebook site called Bringchange2mind, and then I decided that sharing the site with my "friends" was important.

Bringchange2mind has given me clarity. The stigma of mental illness should be addressed. I am proud to have been given a voice. I am proud of my children, even though they are struggling. I am not ashamed that I, too, have struggled with depression, in the past. I believe that for the first time in my life I feel stronger at my weakest places.

My children's natural father decided to attack me, on facebook. He accused me of limiting Nate's future by associating with this group. I have shamed him,(Nate) for speaking out. Because of me, he will never get a job, or an apartment, or a future. That is the edited version of the messages, but it was cruel. It was typical of the kind of abuse I endured throughout our relationship. Along with physical abuse, there was this oppression. I was edited, dismissed, violated.

We have been divorced since 1988. All these years I have tried to keep communication open, for the sake of the children. I once had to get a restraining order against him, after threats that I took seriously, many years after our divorce, and while I was married to Jerry.

Anyway, this guy is hostile, and intelligent, and moody. He scares me, but I will not be intimidated. He is not my friend, he is an ex.

Do you know what else disturbs me? He goes to AA faithfully, AA a support group. He is a member of his church choir. I guess you really never know, do you? In my mind, my heart, I did nothing wrong. I never mentioned Nate, at all. I just shared information about the group. A support group, that I identify with. 

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Anyway

I am going to grow from this, and a better me will emerge, soon, I promise

The title says it all. Oh the anger, the anger, I didn't expect it, and it courts me daily. I am Rocky without a match, just an angry old woman, with issues. I am embarrassed, but it is real. I called for another refill on anxiety meds, because I keep thinking I should drive myself to the emergency room for my heart attacks. LOSER, much!
I am grateful for your patience, here. I am better than this. Just keep reading, and something pure will unfold. My grief will fade, and I will emerge a brighter, wiser, human soul. I just have to get past a difficult time, and I am doing my best to do it organically. Just forgive me, please. My Dad was a good man, with his own agenda. I was just a hurdle to him, never a joy. But I found joy in him, and he in I, in the end. The rest is history, and shall be forgiven, and forgotten.
Forward, always forward, towards the light.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Theoretical Thursday

The enormity of my loss is yet to hit me
Grey skies stretch out, forever, like a Montana sky
The low rumble of thunder 
distant
distant
distinct
anguished
distraught
For what? Who am is missing?
My fantasy 
imagined love
 never reciprocal
There will be no more chances
to make it right
I will make no more excuses 
for your distance
because it is real
now.
This is my chance
to learn from your mistakes
and grasp those I love
stare into their eyes
and melt

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Worthless Wednesday

I feel
worthless

sad

worthless

 broken

worthless

choked

worthless

 mad

worthless

just plain worthless
that's all
I'm done





Compost and other garden finds


Compost 

even compost can be beautiful



Monday, June 6, 2011

Comfortably Numb, my interpretation

Being numb has nothing to do with chemicals, it has nothing to do with comfort, to me it has to do with putting my mind in neutral and rolling forward. In this time of grief I have all I can do just to make it through a day without irritating my tear ducts.
My eyes are black and swollen. I am trying to do things right, not get ahead of myself. That was my problem, last time. I didn't think of my own mental health, and I fell into a deep depression. I will be more careful with myself, this time. I will feel my feelings, not stuff them. I will avoid chemical solutions to real problems. Okay except sleeping pills when I really need to rest.
That's all, that is basic just jane philosophy mumbo jumbo. I'm doing my best, and it will just have to be good enough. All troubles look smaller from a distance, and only time heals all wounds. Blah, blah, blah!

Friday, June 3, 2011

June beginnings



I loved the shadows going all the way around the oak tree

Rhubarb custard pie I made on Wednesday, it was good!


Katie dog

Summer roses just starting to bloom

This morning's sunrise on the pond

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

This is my plan to live a full and healthy life, all day, everyday.

SMILE


Live forward and not backwards


EXERCISE each and everyday


Nothing to excess


LOVE openly


Try new things, challenge myself


TAKE PICTURES...hehehe


Never take myself too seriously


Forgive myself as in " Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us"




Find something good in everyone, because there is good in everyone!


PRAY