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Thursday, September 8, 2011





Every life entails difficulties. That is what Buddha described as the inevitable sufferings of existence. We are supposed to be thankful for those times of trouble because they help us become enlightened or some such mumbo jumbo.We gain wisdom and discover our strengths through problem solving skills or lack of.

You know, working nights has its merit. I have time to think, dwell, and remind myself of how strong I actually am. So the big question is....What is my path? ....I am turning 50 soon, so I should be all tuned in and not really expect much from the future. Hahaha! I am never going to think of 50 or 60 or 70 as old. I am not all caught up on the numbers, and I still feel like I am discovering so much. Learning something new, everyday. I expect that like my Grandmother who lost her husband at about my age and started a career as an artist I will start to blossom, soon.

Okay, lets get real here, I am not a Buddhist. I still get frustrated by crap. Just a few minutes ago I stubbed my toe and swore a good long string of naughty words! But do I really think that it will aid me in my path to enlightenment? Heck no! I will just have a slight limp for a couple of days, and forget why.

My brother is just a few minutes from his arrival here, for a visit. I am worried about him, because last time I saw him he was so skinny. He took the death of my Dad very hard, but won't talk about it, at all. I hope he looks better, but if he doesn't I won't say anything. He is uncomfortable with heartfelt conversations. I will love him, and spoil him a little bit, and hope that our time together is joyous.

LATER//////////////////////////////////////, Days later. I am still recovering from the visit. My brother is taking the death of our father too personally. He is skinny, and is thinking about death. He is not dealing with his feelings, and is drinking way too much. I am worried. I will pray, and let go and let God. That is all I have the power to do, right? I can't save him, he has to do it. He has to realize for himself that this path is a toxic one. I will just observe, and be there for those who love him, to help them realize that it is his journey. He may lose his beautiful, loving, caring , wife. He may lose his life. His health is already in question. He looks like a victim of war, with bones sticking out of ribcages, flesh taut. His eyes are hollow. He is lost, but it is up to him to ask for directions.

Anyway, on with my life, my sleep, my dreams. I pray for all who read this blog. If you need a friend, or a prayer, I will be there for you. I am solid on that front. I believe that prayer works, and God works in ways we do not fully understand. I believe that, because to believe anything else would send me back into deep depression. I have hope, and I want to savor that feeling.

Peace, Jane....You never think of your brothers as old, or sad. They are the pests that slid mirrors under the bathroom door to sneak a peak of girl stuff. Gross! I admit my grief has been pouring cement into my heart lately, too. My eyes are never truly dry. My heart is never empty. I miss my Parents. I miss the past. I miss every opportunity to look upon those who are gone, for one last time. Just one last time, to smell the air, and hear the laughter, and feel your touch. Never again! Never again.......