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Wednesday, August 3, 2011


I had an interview, today, for a job I think I may want. It is a job in the city where my husband wants to relocate to, and I will do whatever it takes to keep our marriage strong. I will probably get that job, because I am qualified for it. I will probably be happy in the job, because I am a natural caregiver, and it is a position in care giving. It is a position in which you need to step back and be selfless, yet strong. You need to let your crap fall at the threshold, and pick it up, if you need to, on the way out. I am good at that!

If you would have asked me, ten years ago, what my dreams were, I would have had an answer. Today, I have none. No answer. The rain has stopped, and the clouds have drifted east. The weather is mild, and my heart holds hope, but no dreams. I am content with that, for now. I am still mourning the great loss of my Dad. I am still mourning the hopes of a bright future for my children. I am still mourning my youth, which has slipped away quietly. I am practicing a form of loving kindness. I am not pushing myself to go forward, I am doing what needs to be done. I am using simplicity and clarity to guide me. 

I know I have the capacity to be flexible. The happiness I desire comes from understanding that I have loved, and have been loved. It is not about possessions, or security. That is all an illusion, anyway. You can never be rich enough, or secure enough, or admired enough. All you can hope to be is a reflection of loving kindness.